


Before I Wake

by iRememberTheDark



Series: If You Lose, You Die [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Domestic Bliss, Ensemble Cast, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Happily Married, Heavy Angst, Insomnia, Married Couple, Post-Canon, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28352235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iRememberTheDark/pseuds/iRememberTheDark
Summary: Really, it's the life Mikasa often wondered if she and Eren would ever achieve. Through everything, they've always had each other and with a baby on the way, the life they've built together is about to get that much better.But Mikasa's worsening insomnia starts to get in the way of this bliss.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Series: If You Lose, You Die [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983308
Comments: 16
Kudos: 62





	Before I Wake

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little FYI if this seems familiar. I posted this under my other penname on Fanfiction.net, but I have no desire to actually connect the accounts. Please take note of the tags and enjoy!

With more effort than she cared to admit, Mikasa rolled from her back to her side, quickly realizing that the change in position was doing nothing for her already abysmal comfort levels. The room was unbearably stuffy and incredibly warm for early spring, but that could have easily been chalked up to the literal furnace that Eren’s body was when he was asleep or her hormones being stupid. Honestly, it really didn’t matter because there wasn’t a solution to either that would make the mattress feel less lumpy, the room less hot, her back less achy, her breasts less tender, and all around improve how she felt. The weird thing was that it wasn’t that she felt bad, just all kinds of uncomfortable.

Throwing her bedmate’s arm back onto his side, Mikasa sat up and heaved herself from the bed. Making her way over to the window on oddly heavy feet, she silently unlatched the handle and pushed the doors open, delighting in the cool breeze that immediately swept over her. The relief of her sweaty strands being gently blown away from her face was indescribable. Just that one comfort seemed to make all her other irritations fade into the background as she sat in the window seal, her back resting against the frame.

Though the rebuilt Shiganshina was a cozy district it was rarely ever completely asleep. Mikasa stared off into the night taking note of the specks of light here and there becoming denser and brighter as they got closer to the center of town, the elevation of their home providing an excellent view. Lost in watching small figures move about the night, she didn’t notice Eren had awoken until a tanned arm came to rest around her midsection and warm lips press against the side of her forehead.

She turned her head to him, her nose nuzzling against his, and let his warm breath caress her face. Her grays met his sleepy greens through her lashes as she pushed lips gently to his, a hand coming to rest over his heart.

“Why are you awake,” he questioned once she pulled away and laid her head against his chest to listen to his so very alive heartbeat.

“I just couldn’t sleep, too uncomfortable,” she murmured to which he immediately dropped down to a knee placing a hand on either side of her swollen belly.

“Is my sweetling keeping you up,” he asked with that affection she wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to him wearing.

“Not necessarily,” she answered combing her fingers through his long strands. “By the way, we should discuss boy names at some point.”

“Why?”

“Because, despite your father being a doctor, you are not. Therefore, there is no way you can know with absolute certainty that we are having a girl.”

“But –

“No matter what old wives tales your older admires tell you in the market,” she smirked.

“I’m _not_ just listening to _my_ _elders_ who have way more experience with childbirth than we do, thank you very much, but also my gut too.”

“Your gut,” Mikasa deadpanned, an eyebrow quirked down at her kneeling husband.

“Yes, my gut. Trust me on this. This baby is a girl. Now,” Eren stood up sliding his hands to her hips, “if our little Carla has a sibling or four –

“Four?!”

“Then we can talk about boy names.”

“You want four more kids before we’ve even had one,” she pressed, her tone incredulous.

“I want our family to be as big as we can make it,” he pouted glancing into the darkened room as if it would hide the flush on his cheeks. Mikasa’s heart squeezed pleasantly in her chest at the sight. It was another thing she might never get used to, having him like this, that is. Him wanting her and everything she’s ever desired the same way she’s imagined for years. She wasn’t always sure if they would have an after during the war, but here they finally were. Pushing herself up on her toes, she turns her head just so to kiss him again, pouring in all the love she could muster.

“I want our family to be large too,” she whispered, a gentle smile playing on her lips, “but let’s just focus on this one baby for now and learn how to be good parents.” He nodded determinedly in that way only he could.

“Well in that case, good parents make sure their kid gets enough sleep, right?” She rolled her eyes at the insinuation.

“Yes.”

“Then back to bed with you,” he entreated pulling the window closed behind them and guiding her back over to the bed where she amusedly allowed him to tuck her back into the covers and pull her pregnant figure against him. Eren was out like a light, falling asleep before she even had a chance to fully relax her body.

Waiting for sleep to come, her eyes wandered around the room capturing the swirls and grains of the wood as her hands swept over them gathering the vegetables she’d cut up for tonight’s stew. Scooping them together, she stepped over to where the boiling pot sat on the stove and dropped the blend of carrots, green beans, squash, and cauliflower into the mixture before adding in the potatoes and seasoning.

As she stirred it all together, Mikasa couldn’t be prouder that everything in the stew, barring the meat of course, came from the rooftop garden Eren had surprised her with. She remembers the apprehension and nervousness they both felt as he led her up the stairs, hands covering her face. When her eyes adjusted to the sudden light, she was able to take in the many differently sized planting pots and troughs as well as bags upon bags of soil.

_“Do you think this will be enough for you to get started,”_ _he asked, that adorable blush painting his cheeks._

_“All of this is for me,”_ _was her disbelieving reply._

_“Who else would it be for? I told you I had a surprise for you, didn’t I?”_ _He’d done this for her. Just for her. She nearly took him off his feet with the force of her embrace._

 _“Thank you. It’s more than enough,”_ _she whispered into his shoulder trying to hide the tears that threatened to spill over._

 _“You’re welcome,”_ _he replied equally as soft, wrapping his arms around her to return the hug_.

They’d found themselves up there often, whether it was for gardening, he certainly didn’t have a green thumb despite her best attempts to teach him; or doing the laundry. She was pleasantly surprised that he always made a point to help her get everything folded and put away; or looking at the beautiful scenery. She could always find him up there staring off into the distance, taking in the wallless expanse; or taking in the star filled night sky. Her face reddened at the thought of some of the other things they’d done up there under the twinkling blanket of night.

**M I K A S A**

She jumped, almost dropping the ladle into the food she was stirring before whirling around.

“What, Armin,” she scowled causing the man’s attention to snap up from the book he was reading.

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘what?’ You were the one yelling my name as if I weren’t standing right here!” At her words he paused, looking at her in apprehension.

“Mikasa, I didn’t call you.”

“Yes, you did. I heard you. How could I have missed it with how loud you were.”

“I really didn’t.” He gestured to the book on the kitchen table, worry morphing his features. “I’ve been reading this entire time. Are…are you alright,” he asked glancing down at her extra passenger.

“I’m fine,” she replied quickly, hoping to allay any discussion on her wellbeing, which was _fine._ It wasn’t that she minded his worry, but it was all her boys seemed to do these days. She was pregnant not ill!

“Eren says you haven’t been sleeping well…or kind of at all,” he says resolutely, dashing any hopes she might have had of avoiding the topic.

“I doze here and there,” she defended turning her back to him, wanting to seem busy with her cooking.

“Mik, you’re growing a human.”

“Exactly, Ar, _I’m_ the one growing the human, so I should know what is and isn’t enough sleep.”

“I’m not saying you don’t. We just…we worry about you and little Carla.” She couldn’t help but smirk at him as she pulled out a chair and eased herself into it.

“So, he got you on the ‘it’s a girl train’ as well?” Her guest had the decency to look abashed.

“Eren’s so excited, it’s all he ever talks about. I guess it’s rubbed off on me,” he chuckled.

“Mmhm and that’s why he has you here babysitting me so often, right?”

“No! I’m not here babysitting! He just doesn’t want anything to happen if you get too tired or something.”

“Or something,” she sighed. “I’m fine. I feel fine. The baby is fine.” Reaching across the table, she gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “It’s just some discomfort that makes it hard to get to sleep. That’s all.”

“Is it the baby moving around too much at night? I read that a lot of times, their sleep schedules can run opposite to a normal one.” The question gave Mikasa pause, one hand coming to rest on her stomach.

“No, it’s not the baby moving around. The baby doesn’t move around often. I’m actually…not sure if I’ve really felt the baby move.” Pulling her other hand away from his, she got up and searched out some bowls. “Are you staying for dinner? The veggies should be all cooked down now.”

“Uh, yeah,” he nodded. “Mikasa, if the baby isn’t moving, perhaps you should get it checked out. Just to make sure everything is okay.”

“I’m sure it’s no big deal, Armin,” she reassured sitting two steaming bowls on the table and removing her apron. “But if it makes you feel better,” she sat back down across from him, “I’ll make sure to schedule an appointment. Now dig in. I wouldn’t want you to go unpaid for your time, babysitter.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he chuckled taking a spoonful of stew and blowing it off before taking it in. “Your cooking is always the best, Mik.”

“You remember all the free meals I give you when I need you to babysit just _little Carla.”_ They both tuck in, conversation coming to a stop at the delicious, warming meal.

“Will you be here until Eren gets back,” she asked, grabbing their plates once they’d finished.

“Yes, and I can get that.”

“I’ve got it. Walking around is about the only physical activity I’ve been allowed to do lately, so let me do it,” she said placing the children’s books on the shelf Jean gifted to them and taking a step back to sit in the rocking chair that took up the corner. The nursery was coming along well, she noted looking at the sturdy brown cradle the wood-smith had delivered just yesterday and the spinning, titan-themed mobile Hange gave them. Though they were skeptical about actually using it, she and Eren decided that their commander would be rather disappointed if they burned it to ashes and decided to keep it.

Closing her eyes, she rocked her and little Carla, great now they even had her calling the baby that and rubbed soothing circles into her pregnant belly.

“Maybe I should paint the walls or let Mika choose a wallpaper.” At the mutter, her eyes fluttered open to see Eren’s figure looking around the room thoughtfully.

“Eren, welcome home. Have you been here long,” she asked starting to push herself from the chair until he stopped her.

“I just got in.” He knelt beside the chair. “Did I wake you? Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“No, no. I wasn’t sleep, just resting.”

“Mikasa…” his tone lowering.

“What is it,” she queried despite already knowing this was going the same place it often seemed to these days.

“I’m really starting to be concerned. You’ve barely slept lately and that can’t be good for little Carla and it certainly can’t be good for you when your body is doing twice the work.”

“Do you think I’m purposefully trying to put our child in danger,” she asked coldly, temper flaring out of nowhere.

“That’s not what I said. Don’t put words in my mouth,” his eyes narrowed.

“Well that sure is what it sounds like your saying to me,” Mikasa snapped quickly rising from the rocking chair preparing to stomp out of the room. _How dare he!_

“Miki,” he grabbed her arm and took a deep breath. “Look, all I’m saying is that it’s starting to worry me. You – you’re losing weight, and I just don’t want anything to happen to either of you. I know you’d never put our kid in danger.” As she watched his earnest expression, any anger she felt faded just as quickly as it came, immediately being replaced with tears.

“I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you meant,” she groused abashedly. “But, Eren, I – I just can’t sleep. For whatever reason, I can’t and whenever I lay down at night, I get so afraid to sleep. Like if I let my guard down, something bad might happen.”

“What do you think is going to happen? Where is this coming from,” he voiced with concern, wiping tears from her cheeks.

“Nothing! I don’t know! The best I can do is light dozing, I know it’s not enough, but I don’t know what to do.”

“Look, you made an appointment with the doctor a few days ago, right? We’ll ask him about it then, okay. Don’t worry. We’ll get this sorted.”

“Okay,” she nodded believing him fully. There was no one she trusted in more. When Eren said he was going to do something, he did it and he did it thoroughly.

“Why don’t we go have a hot bath and relax your muscles,” he offered.

“My muscles are beyond relaxed,” Mikasa complained. “I haven’t done any strenuous activity in so long.”

“And you shouldn’t be, but what do you have in mind, then?”

“Well...,” she trailed sliding her hands up his arms and around his neck. “Maybe I’m just not tired enough.”

“Oh,” he quirked an eyebrow. “I think I might be able to do something about that,” his face lowering to hers.

“Yeah,” she breathed.

“Yeah,” he smirked against her lips, kissing her ever so slowly. Ever since she really started showing, he always took extra care with her. His fire was just as intense, but in a very different way. Sometimes, she missed when he was fast and rough and bruising; but when she was feeling particularly tender and very pregnant, his concentration and meticulosity in making her body sing with fulfillment was everything she could ever need and more. “C’mon,” he murmured walking her to the door.

“Wait. Let me blow the candle out.” Untwining herself from him, she hurried over to the baby dresser and snuffed out the flame, effectively darkening the nursery. Her attention was drawn to the once again star filled sky, the full moon hanging big and bright in the sky causing her eyes and brow to crinkle at the excess of light. It really was a lovely, sunny day outside.

“There’s nothing to worry about Mr. and Mrs. Yeager. The baby has a strong, healthy heartbeat,” the doctor said, hanging his stethoscope back in its place on the wall. “All babies are different and some just aren’t as active as others.”

“That’s good to hear,” she commented, drawing her gaze from the window and back to present company.

“What about the insomnia and anxiety,” Eren asked, wrapping his fingers around hers.

“Just the way that every baby is different, so is every mother and pregnancy,” the man began, adjusting his glasses. “That being said, insomnia is a normal side effect and generally doesn’t persist for long. Since you were a soldier, I’d attribute the stress and longevity of your sleeplessness to your experience in the war. I can’t begin to imagine the horrors either of you have seen, but I’d posit that there are lingering sentiments causing your anxiety.”

“And is there something we can do about it,” her husband pressed.

“Not unless you figure out exactly what event you witnessed that is causing you trouble and deal with it.”

“I’m sorry, what? How can we –

“I – I’ve fought an entire war,” Mikasa interrupted. “I became a soldier at the age of 12. I’ve had over 10 years of experiences that could potentially mess with my head and that’s not counting life before that. We didn’t just move to this district because it was free real estate that needed to be populated. This is where we lived before the titans attacked. We grew up here and we want to raise our baby here, but I can’t do that if I’m harming her before she’s even born,” She blustered becoming increasingly panicked.

“Mikasa.” Eren was in front of her, eyes cold, boiling with expressionlessness and worry. “It’s okay. I’ve always hated you and I’m not going anywhere.”

“What,” she asked, dazedly, utterly confused.

“Here, Mrs. Yeager. Drink this.” A trembling hand, that she realized her own, wrapped around the glass being pushed toward her face, and gulped down the cool water inside it.”

“Slow down, Miki.” Pulling the glass away, she worked to calm her breathing, focusing on the restful circles, her husband rubbed into her back, until the room was no longer closing in. “Better,” he asked.

“Yeah,” She breathed. Looking towards the doctor she said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to – to –

“It’s me who should be apologizing, Mrs. Yeager. Please, understand, I was not making light of your situation. I am merely a physician, not a doctor of the head or mind, so there is not much I can offer you in way of this issue; Many expectant mothers experience fears before they give birth, but I have worked with none who’ve had your particular background.

“What you have described to me doesn’t sound like the fears I have previously encountered. However, I suspect it will pass once you have given birth. After you’ve spent time with and taken care of your child, these apprehensions should not persist should you fall pregnant again.

“In the meantime, I recommend drinking something warm before bed, but limit your tea and coffee. If the problem remains, come back to me and we can speak about sleep aids.” While Mikasa nods, taking his advice in, Eren resists as he was wont to do sometimes.

“Why are we not talking about sleep aids now?”

“Because,” the older man sighs, “Medical sleep aids can be addicting and we have no way of knowing how they will affect the baby or a woman who is expecting as I, or any other physician I know of, have not seen fit to put them to the test. I can’t imagine the effects will be positive besides getting your wife to sleep. Her lack of it has already put her in a fragile state and –

“I am not fragile!”

“Not you Mrs. Yeager, simply your state. When we don’t get the sleep we need, it not only affects the body, your husband mentioned your weight loss, but the mind as well. It chips away at your focus and ability to concentrate, causing not only increased opportunities for errors and accidents but will affect your memory and perception as well. This on top of the impacts pregnancy has on the body has put you in a rather precarious position.”

“Isn’t that more of a reason to try the sleep aids,” Eren pleads.

“Only if the problem persists, Mr. Yeager.” Seeing him ready to pick a fight, she quickly grabs his arm, drawing his attention to her.

“It will be alright. He said the baby is perfectly healthy right now, so it can’t be that much of a problem. Let’s just go. Please.” He seemed to deliberate for few moments before nodding.

“Thank you for your time, doctor. Mika, why don’t you go use the bathroom before we go since there won’t be one near the market.” She didn’t want to leave him alone with the older man. He had given in too easily, but he was right about the lack of restroom, and her bladder didn’t seem to be worth much these days.

“Okay.” She made quick work of her trip and was relieved to see everything intact and Eren waiting for her by the door. She thanked the doctor and they made their way from the clinic to the center of town, a rather gloomy mood about them.

As she sifted through fabrics to make clothes and soft toys for little Carla, his silent presence trailing behind her, she wondered what she could say to reassure him, to reassure herself.

“Are you happy, Mikasa,” he questioned, startling her after nearly an hour of silence.

“Huh?”

“Are you happy…here with me? With the life we’ve built so far?”

“Of course, I am!” Her answer was immediate. “Why would you ask something like that?” He shrugs noncommittally, looking off to the side. Leave it to him to be all tight lipped after asking such a thing. Sighing, she dropped the fabrics she had in hand and grabbed him by the crook of his arm, yanking him away from the stand and to a large patch of grass in the middle of the square.

“What’s wrong, Eren?” For a moment she thought he wouldn’t answer, but then his eyes settled on hers, the grief in them stopping her breath, pulling at her heart strings.

“I…I feel so useless.”

“What? Eren, why,” she asked hands coming up to cup his face, but he pulled away turning his back to her. She had to strain her ears to hear him.

“You’re having a tough time of all this, and there’s nothing I can really do to help. I don’t _know_ how to be of help to you and if I can’t do anything now, how can I possibly know what to do when the baby arrives?” _Oh no…oh, her boy._ Stepping forward without a care for who was around, she wrapped her arms around his midsection and let her head settle onto his back.

“Eren…listen to me. There is no one in this entire, big world that I would rather make a life with. No one. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, and you’ve given me even more. So never doubt how I feel for you. Please.

“And yes, I’m having a tough time of things right now. We’re way out of our depth, but it’s certainly not the first time and it won’t be the last. We’ll get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else. Together. We’ve killed together, lived together, experienced tragedy together, eradicated the titans together, fought a war together, freed ourselves and our people together, survived together, made a life together, _made_ a life together.

“We can conquer parenthood together too. Sure, we’ll make mistakes along the way, we’re not perfect, but if there’s anything I believe, Eren, it’s that _together_ we are unstoppable. We’ll always find a way. You and me, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish, please, don’t beat yourself up. You just being here with me is already helping.”

After she’d finished saying her piece, she couldn’t help but feel like a girl again, wondering if she’d said too much, bared too much of her soul to him; not that she wasn’t still young, but in her few years, she’d lived lifetimes compared to most. Still, she remained silent waiting to see what his response would be. A gentle wind blew through the market, causing the green grass to rustle delicately as children and their parents, couples young and old, groups of friends large and small went about their lives with not a single care in the world. She wondered if they looked like that now, two lovers sharing an embrace or if they would eventually look like the families when they had their one plus four more kids.

When he said her name, calling her attention back to him, she could feel the vibrations of each syllable move through his body. Unhindered by the hustle and bustle of the busy market and sprightly square, she could hear him as if it were just the two of them. It wasn’t particularly loud or soft, but she could feel him caressing the letters, in a way that only he could.

“I don’t say it nearly enough, but…I love you. I really, really do.”

“I know, Eren.” Happy tears crowded her lower lids before sliding down her cheeks. She pressed her face deeper into his back, hiding her smile that was only for him. She’ll never tire of hearing him say those words.

Eventually, they decide to settle on the grass next to each other, the mood much more peaceful, and just enjoy each other’s company. It was days like this that she treasured most, because being able to spend time with her friends, her loved ones, was rare with everyone so busy.

She watched as Sasha tried to steal the other half of Connie’s sandwich and he was having none of it, both holding her back with a foot pressed to her chest and uselessly throwing blades of grass at her face.

**M I K A S A**

Her head snapped to Armin on her right.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Can you pass me the plate of sausages? I need to get some while she’s distracted.”

“Uh, yeah,” she muttered, quickly doing as he’d asked, but unable to draw her attention from him.

“You’re staring, Mik. Do I have something on me,” he checked looking down, brushing invisible dirt from his face and shirt.

“Is everything alright, Armin,” she asked tentatively to which he returned a puzzled look.

“Yes, why? What’s wrong?” _What was wrong?_ He looked _haggard_ , worse for wear, hollow eyed. So did the other two, as a matter of fact, Sasha being the worst of all. When she mentioned this to him, he simply laughed it off. “We’re fine. It was just a challenge we did with the new recruits. They’re some tough kids. Eren didn’t tell you about it?” She shook her head in the negative, but as she looked back as Sasha who was now dancing around in triumph, she froze. Her hair and skin was falling off, revealing her bones in the most horrifying way and –

“Are _you_ alright,” he returned the question placing a worried hand on her shoulder. He looked better this time and she glanced back over to her other two guests who seemed perfectly fine, skin intact.

“I’m trying to be,” she murmured dropping her head into shaking hands, her palms quietly digging into her tired eyes.

“What’s going on,” Connie asked, he and Sasha looking across at her and Armin.

“Nothing, I just…”

“You’re still not sleeping, are you,” the blonde asked. All she could do was nod.

“Is that why you’re looking so tired? Why didn’t you say anything? Eren mentioned he was taking you to the doctor. Was this happening then? If so, did you mention it to him,” The potato lover rapid fired, coming to sit on her other side where a plate of cookies remained.

“We talked about it, and, honestly, not much came of it,” she sighed. “He just said I had some lingering anxiety from being a soldier and that it would pass once the baby was born.”

“What a lousy doctor!”

“Eren said something along the same lines,” Mikasa chuckled.

“And about the baby not moving?” She looked to her right.

“The baby is healthy and has a very strong heartbeat. Some babies, apparently, just don’t really move much.”

“Well that must mean she definitely takes after you. We all know her father can’t sit still to save his life.” Mikasa turned to see Eren and Jean, trudging up the green hill they’d inhabited, each carrying a quarter barrel of ale in their arms.

“Shut up, horse face,” was her husband’s good-natured reply.

“I mean, he’s not wrong,” Armin chimed, causing him to receive a playful scowl.

“This is why we aren’t friends.”

“My heart is broken.”

“I know it is,” he replied matter-o-factly, sitting his jug down on the blanket and taking his place next to her.

“Stop your flirting and pour the drinks! You guys took forever,” Connie demanded waving his cup around.

Well if someone hadn’t let the first set roll into the lake,” Jean said pointedly, his glare zeroing in on Sasha.

“What,” she whined, “I was distracted. Mikasa shouldn’t have said she baked cookies at that specific moment.”

“No, what she said was, she wished Hange and Levi-Heichou could have made it. Then she would have baked the oatmeal raisin ones, since she knows he hates them; and speaking of cookies, I’m glad there are still some left.”

“I distracted her with my sandwich.”

“You did that on purpose!”

And there they went again, this time, chasing each other around the hill. Mikasa leaned into Eren’s side, her eyes fluttering closed as she listened to the crickets sounding off outside the window.

It was another unbearably warm night and she was ready for this baby to be born, for the sake of her sanity at the very least. The next kid they had would be born in the winter. She would make sure of that. Hauling herself up from the mattress, she glanced at Eren’s cold side before leaving the room and heading to the kitchen. He wouldn’t be back until tomorrow morning, and it took every persuasive bone in her body to make sure he didn’t ask Armin or any of their friends to stay with her as if she couldn’t take care of herself for one night. While Mikasa missed him, she was relieved to not have to have another conversation about her sleep pattern or lack thereof. She’d tell him she tried though. In the meantime, baking would take up the night.

She set to work measuring and pouring ingredients for her apple tart. She couldn’t wait to sit it in front of Sasha and deny her until the food fanatic’s big crocodile tears streamed down her face and mixed disgustingly with the trails of drool from her mouth. Just the thought brought a smile to her weary expression.

Once her dough was prepared, she started slicing apples. It was a mindless task that kept her hands busy and her mind empty. She wished she’d been paying attention.

It was quick, the shift in the air letting her know she wasn’t alone. A nearly silent footstep told her that someone was close behind her, a _wrong_ footstep. Mikasa had been pregnant for 8 months, out of her service for even longer, but she still had better reflexes than anyone and she’d be damned if someone got the jump on her. Flipping the knife around, she turned over her shoulder and hurled it towards the intruder at lightning speed.

A hand came up to block the zooming weapon, providing some protection from its blade, but not from its force. The knife hits its target, easily cleaving through the skin and bone of the hand and sinking into their chest, causing her assailant to hit the ground.

“Shit, Mikasa! Fuck!”

Eren lay on the ground, his palm stuck awkwardly to his chest by the knife, red pooling into the fibers of his shirt, spreading as if it thought it looked better outside his body and was attempting its best to make it so. Stumbling over to him on wobbly legs, she fell to her knees beside his prone form.

“Eren…oh no, no…,” she heard her mouth say, voice getting higher with each _no,_ hands fluttering over him doing nothing to help. She had done this. _She had done this and there was no taking it back._ Why wasn’t she pulling the knife out? “Eren,” she whispered tears streaming down her face, dotting her protruding stomach. She had done this.

“Snap out of it, Mikasa!” She blinked, wet eyelashes leaving tiny trails on her cheeks. He was sitting up in front of her, the bloody knife in one hand, steam floating from his chest and the other. “Are you alright, Miki?

“I – I thought you were dead. You stopped moving.”

“If this thing had been any longer, I just might be, and I’m pretty sure the rather spectacular stream of expletives that left my mouth didn’t stop,” he chuckled.

“How can you laugh at this? I hurt you! I almost killed you,” she exclaimed, waterworks still in full effect.

“Well, I twisted my ankle on the last step before our landing. In my attempt to sneak in quietly, not wanting to wake my exhausted, pregnant wife, I find that she is awake and _baking,_ of all things in the middle of the night. Then, I have the brilliant idea to sneak up on her as punishment for being out of bed, because I’ve somehow forgotten that she can break every bone in my body with just her index finger. Suffer the deserved consequences, I did.

“That sounds pretty comical to me. Besides, who else’s expectant wife can be slicing apples one minute, then dropping a grown man seconds later? Only mine,” he smiled and Mikasa was puzzled like she’d never been before. She knows what she saw, and yet here he was perfectly well, healing as if no harm had come to him like he normally did. Of course, he heals, why did she think otherwise?

“I guess, I’m just tired. My brain must be making stuff up again. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to – to hurt you,” she cried, dissolving into further tears.

“Shit, Miki, please don’t cry anymore. Look, I’m fine, perfectly fine and healed. I’ve been injured plenty of times before. This is hardly the worst of them. Let’s get up. C’mon.” Eren helped her stand and led her to one of the chairs so she could sit before wiping his rough, calloused hands over her reddened face, waiting as she got ahold of herself.

“Do you want something to drink,” he asked suddenly to which Mikasa shook her head.

“The doctor said something warm could calm you and help you sleep.”

“Fine.” Nodding, he stood and got to work. Folding her arms, she closed her eyes and laid her head down, listening to his soothing timber as he continued to speak about nothing of consequence.

“Do you think that maybe, your anxiety is because you’re still afraid of losing me,” he asked after placing a steaming cup of cider down and taking a seat across from her.

I don’t know,” she mumbled, sitting up and taking a few small sips as the warm wisps of steam soothed her puffy face. “I always used to be so afraid of that. It plagued me so much no matter if I was asleep or awake, but eventually the feeling faded. It’s still there, but not nearly as prominent. The spaces in my heart and mind that held those worries have been filled by you and all of this,” she glanced around the room. “I’m not so scared of that anymore.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Their quiet conversation continued until she finished her drink. She knew he wouldn’t be satisfied otherwise. He reached for the empty cup, but she pulled it just out of his grasp.

“I got it,” she said standing only to stagger on unsteady feet. “Woah.” She gripped the top of the chair to steady herself. Something was wrong. The room was beginning to wobble. Her balance was way off. “I don’t feel well.”

“Sit back down, Mikasa,” Eren said calmly. Too calmly. When her eyes met his, she knew. The cup slipped from her hand, numerous tiny white pieces creating a speckled pattern on their dark wood floor.

“You didn’t,” she said, the chair catching all of her weight as her legs gave out underneath her. Was her speech slurring?

“It’s just an herb, different from a full sleep aid. It takes a little longer to take effect and you have to be very careful with the preparation, but it shouldn’t be harmful,” he came to stand by her, steadying her swaying form.

“You drugged me.” She weekly tried pushing him away to no avail, fire mounting in her chest. _HoW cOUld hE?_

“I’m sorry. I had to. This is getting out of control and I can’t stand by and do nothing. I asked the doctor for _something,_ ” when she’d gone to the restroom then, “and this is what he recommended. He wasn’t even sure if it would work well, but it seems to be taking,” Eren explained. “It’s okay and you need to breathe Mikasa.” She opened her mouth taking in large gulps of air, but it wasn’t enough. Was she hyper ventilating?

 _“I can’t go to sleep,”_ was all she managed to coherently say.

“This will help you sleep,” he tried to reassure her. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Will you, she wanted to ask. You don’t understand, she wanted to say. But you won’t, she wanted to cry, but she was helpless as her own body shut down, giving up on her, falling prey to the fatigue she’d been fighting for so long. Everything was so heavy, her limbs, her tongue, her eyelids. Eren became less and less clear, her vision blurring and then going dark. _“I’ll be right here, as long as you want. Now and forever.”_

**MIKASA!**

She snapped into a sitting position, the immediate sensation of vertigo causing her to whip out of bed in an attempt to quickly find some place to spill the contents of her stomach; but her feet were twisted in the blankets and she fell to the floor, catching her weight on her hands and knees. Her nails dug into the ground as she tried futilely to stop the convulsions of her body, the excess of tangy saliva in her mouth, the burning in the back of her throat. As her lips unsealed without permission, a small trash can slid underneath her just in time to catch the spew.

Praying it would stop soon, she continued dry heaving despite her already emptied stomach. She hadn’t thrown up this violently since the early days of her pregnancy, and it could only be a result of whatever it was Eren had given her. When she was feeling better, she swore to rip him a new one.

A cool towel was pressed against her face, wiping away anything leftover and guided her backward to lean against the bed and catch her breath.

“Are you okay, Mikasa?” She was surprised to hear Armin’s voice instead of Eren’s, but she couldn’t open her eyes just yet. She didn’t want a repeat of that.

“Mmm.” She rolled her head in the direction she’d heard him in and quietly asked, “Where’s Eren?” Even though he was no longer next to her, she could still feel her friend’s form stiffen at the question. “What’s wrong, Ar? Did something happen to Eren,” she pressed, forcing her eyes open and immediately noticing that wherever they were was not her bedroom or even in the house.

“Where are we?”

“Fort Salta.” Confusion blossomed in her.

“What?”

“It was the closest place to stop and rest,” he answered slowly, looking equal parts alarmed and disconcerted. “You passed out not long after we arrived. We were so worried when you wouldn’t wake up despite our best attempts.”

“I didn’t pass out, Armin, I was drugged by…” she trailed off taking in his appearance, really seeing him for the first time. He was like he had been that day on the hill: haggard, worse for wear, hollow eyed and so, _so_ sad.

“Where’s Eren?” She used the bed to help herself stand, glancing down at her feet to make sure she didn’t step in anything that may have missed the can.

“Sit down, Mikasa. You’ve been asleep for days. You shouldn’t be moving until a medic can come look at you.” She was prepared to ask him a third time when a small, tiny detail registered in her mind.

She looked at her feet. She could see her feet.

Straightaway, her hands came up to meet her distinctly flat and not rounded stomach. Her baby was gone. Where was her baby? _Where was their baby?_ Dread pooled into her stomach and overflowed, forming a vice-like grip on her lungs, air struggling to get in and out. Her chest caught fire at the lack of oxygen, her heart beating painfully fast in an effort to compensate. She gripped her dingy, white button up tightly, eyes zeroing in on the blonde.

“Where is Eren?”

“You should –

“Where is Eren?”

“Mikasa, I don’t think you –

“Where is he, Armin. Just tell me where he is. Please.” Silence weighed heavily in the room, fear creeping up as she watched his sadness be replaced with a chilling listlessness.

“You know where he is, Mik,” he said weakly, eyes becoming glassy.

“I don’t,” she denied shaking her head as if it would make the statement any truer.

“You do.”

“No.”

“We did it. You did it. You know.”

“ _No.”_

“You’re confused. You just came back from an extended unconsciousness after a traumatic event. Lay back down. I’ll get a medic.” He left the small room quickly and she let him, sinking down onto the mattress. She had been asleep for days? No, that wasn’t right. She hadn’t _been able_ to sleep for days, but if he was right, then…then…none of it had been real, but that couldn’t be. It felt real, just as real as things did now, but she was not at her home in Shiganshina, she was not heavy with child and Eren wasn’t here. He was – was –

The image flashed before her eyes. Him pinned to the ground, a thunder spear protruding from his blood-soaked chest as hot steam billowed into the air, coming from everywhere but him.

Armin was right. She knew exactly where he was.

He was dead and she’d made him that way just like she almost did when she’d stabbed him with the knife, except he didn’t heal like he had in her dream…her dream that would never come true. Mikasa fell back on the bedding, body suddenly seeming devoid of all strength. and curled into a ball, uselessly trying to protect herself from the truth. It all became so clear in that moment.

They hadn’t won a war and survived together. There would be no life for them to build together. No rooftop garden, no doing laundry, no making love under the stars. There would be no more meals to have together or days out with friends. Half of them were dead anyway. _Sasha…Hange…_

There would be no life for them to _make_ together, no little Carla…no looking like a family in the marketplace, no one plus four more children.

No her and him. No getting through anything together. No…anything together. Not anymore.

Mikasa wondered if she hated herself, her mind conjuring up everything she’d ever wanted, knowing that it would end cruelly and abruptly as punishment or if she no longer saw the beauty in this world after killing the one who showed it to her and needed to make an existence of her own where it still did.

What a blissful conception it had been…but it would never be anything more than that. She had made sure of it.

Mikasa would mourn the dreams of what could have been and her lost love for the rest of her life, but through that, she would also keep moving forward, keep fighting like he taught her, like he would have wanted for her.

For now, though, she would lay here and cry and seethe and wail, her pain still so fresh. She felt no need to hide the free-flowing tears as they soaked into the material beneath her head, each shining droplet a precious memory of before she woke.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I think I've had my fill of angst. There won't be anymore from me for a good minute (I think). That aside, I was very eager to write this and it didn't take long at all, surprisingly. I've just been sitting on it. It could possibly be a sort of sequel to part 3 of this series or a stand alone. Your choice!
> 
> In regards to the story, did I make the twist too obvious? Did you eventually catch on or did you not figure it out until the reveal? I originally wanted to title it 'If You Die Before I Wake' but I felt that would have been too on the nose or was it on the nose anyway? Let me know your thoughts about it! Thanks for reading!


End file.
